I have one leader who is very overbearing.

We are a small church with 3 leaders who take turns. 2 work some weekend so it isn't a regular rotation.

One of my leaders is very overbearing. last week she decided she was going to play keuboard as she was not leading. She decided this Sunday morning during practice just before the service ( I was not there as I was at work). So she took the leaders music stand which already had their music lined up on it.

I need to tell her that it is not Ok to do that. Usually I would just go to the person and tel them. There feelings are usually hurt and they get upset, which I have felt is better then the one she is doing it to being hurt all the time.


I have talked with the pastor and he is Ok with me talking to her, to add a twisdt it is his wife who is overbearing.


Is there a better way? Having some sort of group meeting that we discuss our rules and philosphies of ministry in or some such thing.

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Don't make a big deal of it. Just be straight and impersonal about it. "Man, you were kind of forceful last week when you took that music stand" or whatever. The more belabor it and have group meetings and so on the bigger of a deal you make it. It's not a big deal. You're just dealing with one instance of poor behavior that needs to be pointed out. By pointing out this one fact, you may correct a whole string of other incidents that are possibly in her blind spot.

Why do you say it is no big deal? I agree for now about not making a big deal about it. That is very different than it being a big deal.


What I mean is that the amount of attention you give it with meetings etc. will validate it's importance. It's simply bad behavior that needs correcting. What rule will you review? The "don't take over someone else's music stand" rule?


And plus, you weren't there. You can't really correct it if you didn't witness it.


I can't think of a business situation or a ministry situation where the "badness" of her action isn't obvious, so no need to over think it.. It's probably too late to say anything, it should have been done much sooner. Wait for the next "infraction" and say something right away.This is a "say something right away" kind of situation. Think of a mother dog correcting her pups - it's swift and without prejudice. That's the best way.


And of course, we weren't there, so this is all very internet and only you can judge it appropriately.

I agree here.  My own tendency is to fudge and pidge around worrying if I'm going to offend somebody by correcting, and as a result end up 1) allowing wrong behavior and 2) gaining a reputation as a leader who's too soft to accomplish anything.  My wife, and the choral director I work for, both school teachers, get right to the point, even with 60-year-old longshoremen (who understand a direct word better than most people) or pastor's wives.  They just say it as they see it, and rarely get anyone's tail in a knot that wasn't already knotted.

Yeah I agree i should have done something right away, hard when I am not there all the time. 

I was thinking and realized something, she does not do this sort of thing with me. And usually it seems not when I am there.


If she does not do it with you, then I'd say that she respects your position as worship leader.


If you know you are not going to there the following week, it may be a good idea at the end of the service to gather the musicians together and say something along the lines of 'I'll not be here next week so I'd like 'Joe Bloggs' to lead the music' on Sunday. 

She does know when she is leading and not leading. That is not the issue. She chooses to be Overly helpfull

Now we understand.

I guess there are a few things I would want to know, Cliff.  Are you the music ministry leader?  If not, who is?   Have others complained about her being "overbearing"?  When you talked to the pastor, did he agree with you? Why didn't the leader on that Sunday address the music stand issue when it happened?  Are they afraid of her?




I am the leader, Yes others have complained, the pastor(husband) agrees.

The leader that sunday does not like confrontation and so did nothing. Unfortunately I work shift work and am not there every sunday.

Well, you could wire up the music stand to the mains....



More seriously, I'd tend to agree with Stevo.



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