video comes up as unavailable, both here and over at youtube... permissions?
also, if you're looking for comments, could you post the lyrics here in addition to linking to the video?
oops.. thanks.. please try it again.
I'm not sure if I've critiqued one of your songs before or not, but if I haven't, people 'round here will tell you that I'm tough :-) This is aimed at making a better song, none of it is personal.
I can't tell whether this song is supposed to be in 3/4 or 4/4... I wish the guitar part was more rhythmic and consistent, right from the start... especially since this is a mostly positive message, maybe even do it faster... but I was confused by the rhythm all the way through.
Structurally... if the "I am on a journey..." part is meant to be a chorus, then vary the chords and melody more on the parts that are supposed to be the verse. It felt kind of repetitive by the end, and then it was weird having a bridge appear so late in the song. I want there to be a chorus which is musically distinguishable from the verse, and have it appear at regular intervals in the song.
The phrase "Jordan's coming soon" didn't work for me, the river isn't "coming" to the singer. How about "I'll be crossing Jordan soon" ???
The rhyme structure varies from section to section... in about half the sections, lines 1 and 2 don't rhyme, but then in others, they do. Be consistent. I like rhymes, And then if lines 3 and 4 are going to rhyme, don't make them rhyme with 1 and 2 as well ("There won't be no more..." section).
You've got a very nice voice, how about investing $10 in a guitar tuner? I found it distracting, but then I've become very picky about that from doing my own multitrack songs...
Hope that's helpful, once again, ask anybody 'round here, they'll tell you, "yeah, that's how Charles is..."
P.S. - I couldn't help thinking "vaper" (as in e-Cigarette) every time you sang "vapor." That may be one of those words that's off-limits in P/W songs for a while :-)
Thanks Charles... it's a work in progress. (about 2 weeks so far)
the timing/rhythm will be fixed as we work through the song
you have a point about the chorus... I haven't decided on that yet
lol yeah I know the guitar was a bit outta tune - only had a couple mins to run thru it..so..I let it go ;-)
as for the 3rd verse ..the rhyme is hallelujah with reunion ("over there" is tagged on)
and I wanted the bridge like that at the end.. it seems to wrap up the whole song with a bow. (I remember a song by Keith Green that ended this way)
oh and "Jordan's coming soon".. a little artistic liberty to convey the idea of the event - you're the first person to quibble with that..but I'm ok with it.
I appreciate your input.. and any other